I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am and who I want to be, and who I want people to perceive me as recently. I have been holding onto what has happened with previous relationships and what I get told about me. I seem to hold onto these.
I have been in three meaningful relationships with boys and as I expect this is the same for everyone I feel I have developed from each one into what I assumed, and what was reassured into who I am to them.
The first relationship I class as meaningful was with a boy I met through my childhood friends and their outer circles. We met in the local university library where my grammar school friends and their friends would go to revise for GCSE’s and socialise after school.
What I learnt about myself from this relationship set the path for wanting to make more of myself and that it was okay to do things outside of what I perceived to be the norm. I attended a comprehensive school where I’d class myself as one of the lower social circles and often bullied for the usual things childhood bully’s get their confidence from. However, this feeling pushed me to work hard so much so that nothing I achieved actually felt like an achievement because this boyfriend did better than everything I tried to do. This was mainly academic achievements but also small things like having a hobby that he could talk about, and a passion for music.
I hold onto what people tell me, about me, and of course when a relationship begins to end it all comes out in the end. What I hold on from this is that I never opened myself up enough to him enough to feel like he even knew me. This was me hiding the trauma and disapproval of my family life and situations, which I now know is a defining factor of who I am. I also discovered that relationships ending have a degrading affect on my self- esteem, mental health and attachments to people I should be able to let go. This ended and I met my next boyfriend at the underground. The underground (a small live music venue) was the beginning of my love for gigs, bands, music and getting drunk. It a venue that allowed 6th form bands and people aged 16+ to attend- usually punk rock and indie music would be performed. Reckless underage drunk me was dancing along to our friends band ‘The Haze’. The Arctic monkey wannabes played an AM classic- I think it was ‘I bet you look good on the dance floor’- and this soon to be new boy was dragged into the mosh pit by myself not realizing he had a broken wrist. This is my longest and most significant relationship I have had in my life so far, and I still hold onto the memories and this relationship a lot – all still things I think about regularly.
I loved this boy dearly and felt so loved too. Of course, these things can’t seem to last forever regardless of what I told myself. I was reminded of what I found most joy in, to be reckless acts and bad for what it was by this person. I went out clubbing a lot, spent all my money of pints and gigs, and dance events and drugs when I moved to Bristol. The bad reaction to what I was doing turned it into a way to escape. I went out with people I barely knew just to get out of it and enjoy live music through bands and DJ’s. I’d opened up my whole life to this boy as I felt that’s what I had to do from my previous boyfriend to maintain and develop a relationship. Luckily, all my previous doubts about opening up had gone and I wasn’t ashamed of what had happened to be growing up. This was trust. Our passions, career goals and the way we wanted to live our lives were so different.
My love for event and live music has grown and I realize now this is my thing. An expensive hobby, the career path I’m taking and where I’m most happiest. I noticed this more when I would want to continue going to my favourite events, the underground still when it wasn’t an option for my friends anymore and going out in Bristol, to festivals and gigs all the time. I find going with people makes the experience better but my friends and these people lose this interest now. After the saddest summer and one of the worst times for my mental health, I came back to uni and met the third boy I have built a meaningful relationship with. I’d told myself that I needed to develop myself personally this year after losing love and suffering over the summer with myself. It all moved quickly with this person so I stopped it quickly and made it clear that this wasn’t what either of us wanted. We have built up a really good friendship that became more intimate. It is still like this.
It turned bitter after not seeing eachother for a while over the Christmas break and I feel we’ve lost what was good before. All in good reason, this is what I initially set out to him when I needed to focus on myself still and not be in a relationship. Our individual lives and university work is of higher priority for both our sakes. I have been reminded again of what I enjoy, to be negative again because it is not what they are passionate or prioritise. My, what is perceived as reckless behaviour, and habits are defining me again. I rehear the sentences that are said to me about me.
When I think about it I can’t let go of going to events and the negative associations with it because that’s my thing. This is what I like. But I also cherish these attachments and relationships just as much. I’m getting on. Trying my best to develop myself to what I want to achieve and do, and balancing all my relationships so maybe I don’t feel so hurt by these people I care about. I have decided that music, going to events and my deep attachments to certain people are what I think about most and is what I get up everyday for. I need to appreciate and develop all these for my own happiness in a healthy way.
She Said Turn It Up 